May is enjoyable for several reasons. This particular month of May has been blessed by the introduction of the EveryDayMay blog-fest! I have, unfortunately, allowed writing to become less and less a part of my life over the past 6 months. It’s time I remedied this problem. Now that the stress of school are almost over I can get back to my writing…I can get back to myself.
For me this blog is a way for me to remind myself how important writing is for my soul. I become bland, reactionary, and superficial without my writing. I can feel my personality change and my sense of self validation fade away. I forget to explore my emotions and so they lose their intensity. I wonder how I could have felt such passion in days gone by, and I forget how to find myself. For a while I tell myself to write, that I need it in order to feel peace again. Days will go by and I’ll continue to ignore my thoughts. Eventually I forget to remind myself to care.
For now I need to use this space to finally explore some of the thoughts that I’ve been holding back…no worries this won’t be an over-emotional angst fest, however my mind has a way of surprising even me. So I’m excited to go on this journey, and I’m excited to have other people to share it with!
Lately I’ve been concerned that my behavior is having a negative impact on my relationships. I would like to believe that the stress of finals and the sheer amount of human contact is merely making everyone feel run down and fed up with school, friends, and just life in general. I am always left worrying however, that something I have done or said has really hurt someone and that I’ll never know it. There aren’t a tremendous amount of people in my life who I consider close friends and the idea of unintentionally causing them emotional distress is particularly…distressing.
There is another possibility however. The possibility that I behave a certain way on the pretense of receiving attention. More specifically on the pretense of receiving attention from a friend of mine. It could also all just be a cry to feed my already over-inflated ego. I’m not ashamed to say that I am a rather egotistical person, I do need a little self-validation from time to time. In my current environment however, most of that self-validation has to come from myself. That’s not a bad thing necessarily, perhaps it’s good for me to be humbled a bit…or perhaps i’ll just get used to it.
I hate to bore everyone with my first post, I do hope that you’ll come back for more tomorrow when I’ve had more time to collect my thoughts and write about something more intriguing. I just needed a little stream of consciousness writing tonight.