To Feel Like I Belong

Lately I’ve been doing one thing, even though I’m at work and supposed to be focused on coding and matlab all I can think about is Doctor Who. As a result I keep thinking about time travel, what it would be like to travel through time and space. Where I could go, who I could meet. The things that I could try to change…so many things. Life could be so different, if only a fantastic man with a sonic screwdriver and big blue box fell out of the sky and took me away. While I know that’s ridiculous, the whole concept really has got me thinking. So here are some of the things that have been on my mind of late…you know in relation to time travel.

 

I wonder sometimes, as I’m sure we all do at times, if I was placed into the right time. Of all the things in life that we can’t control our own birth probably tops the list…well depending on your metaphysical perspective. It’s hard to have a really good understanding of any other time period of course. No matter how much you research, read, watch, you will always be merely an observer of the times you haven’t lived through. Our perspectives are temporally locked in the brief spit of time that we’ve been unwillingly born into.

 

It’s not that I’ve always felt that I don’t belong in this time period. I have to be honest where that’s concerned. I would love to have the opportunity to explore other time periods, but there are things in this timeline that I need. The current advances in Neuroscience that will allow me to have a job in a few years, the people I’ve met along this path that allow me to keep going every day. The respect and pride that I have earned from my family through the hard work in the sciences that I have done. I’m relatively happy here. There are cool breezes to brush my cheek on my walk to work in the morning. Warm rain, and loving sunlight…reflected moon beams. I rely on the ground beneath my feet, suppose that’s all I really need. As long as I don’t think about it too much I don’t have to search to find beauty in this world, it’s simply everywhere.

 

Those moments when I feel happy…they used to be far more plentiful, but now they seem so spaced out. There are moments of quiet, calm, stillness and peace but not what I would describe as happiness. It’s not a bad thing…but I used to describe every day as happy. Perhaps my reasons for doing so were misguided, perhaps my perception of happiness was different then. For whatever reason I don’t feel it now the same way I did years ago. I think, in the common tongue, this is known as growing up…maybe it’s something else.

 

In Doctor Who the Doctor’s companion Rose is trapped in an alternate timeline without him. Whenever you see her there she just looks so…lost. So out of place without him. The Doctor didn’t give her any choice in the matter, there was no other way. Even if I was in the wrong timeline, how could I possibly know?

What if somewhere in the past, some decision I’ve made or turn I didn’t take that put me where I am, what if it changed things. Not necessarily a change for the worse…but still a change. I used to feel happy, like I belonged in this temporal pattern without question, but now I wonder if there isn’t some other time when I would be happier or perhaps just another dimension. If my choices led me here, perhaps at some point in the past…I made the wrong choice, and now I simply don’t belong. I’m on borrowed time.

 

Of course that’s a thought that’s gone through my mind many times before. If I had been born 30 maybe 40 years earlier, I could very well be dead right now. For two years now, my existence has been due in part to the time I was born. Some would argue this should be reason enough to be satisfied that I was born in this time period and they’d probably be right. I wish that I could say that the experience has given me a new lease on life and encouraged me to make the most of it from now on. I can’t say that it’s done the opposite exactly, but I don’t feel particularly motivated to do great and fantastic things. I guess it’s made me develop an appreciation for the “important” things. I suppose the fear of potential death turns down the volume on things that once motivated you.

 

There is still love of course. Love for my friends and family, and for myself. But finding love and feeling its presence is important to me. It’s something I wish I felt more of. Mostly I just feel apathy from others. At times I think i feel so much, but I’m not even sure that I know how to convey those feelings anymore. Time will tell.

 

I know I’m not the only one who feels lost in a time they had no say in being a part of. I’m know I’m not alone in feeling that my life may have taken a wrong turn somewhere. So what are we to do? Does teaming up make us feel any more a part of our times? Could it really change things? Or does it just give us more to live for. That couldn’t be a bad thing could it…just to have someone. Our time is so short, it will get away from us whether we want it to or not. Is it really worth waiting? I feel like that’s all I do anymore is wait. I wait for new semesters, for more people, just for more time to pass. Time changes things…changes people, ideas, opinions. With enough time…the whole world changes.

 

I can’t force time onward, I doubt I can directly change the course of the future in any major observable way. All I can do is wait, and hope, and occasionally dream. Wait and hope for another time when I feel truly satisfied with living again. Dream of the sort of life I wish I had, the feeling I wish I had when I woke up, or fell asleep. The realization that I can just say all the things I would like to, without fear of consequence. My humanity causes me to be bounded by my fear, so I can’t speak the thoughts that keep buzzing around in my mind every single day…not that I think it would change anything.

 

Well goodnight.

-JLS

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One thought on “To Feel Like I Belong

  1. allofalanah says:

    This was a really fantastic post. I love that you can appreciate the magnitude of a story so much that it reshapes the way you perceive your daily life, your outlook on your experience. Sometimes, I feel like I’m the only person who thinks this way. :] I’m really glad I know you.

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