Lately I’ve been plagued by a strange feeling. I guess I can blame the whole, being unemployed for an extended period of time thing, but I just feel like I’m about 4 years old. I go into the kitchen and I don’t understand why it is I can reach the kitchen cabinets. It feels strange to be tall enough to do that…even though I still need a step stool to reach the top shelf but that’s beside the point. I don’t understand ho wit’s possible for me to be a 22 year old woman with a college degree. It feels like that was all a dream, and I’ve been living in this house for the past 22 years writing songs about Doctor Who and blogging.
I have a plan, for the past 2 years I’ve had a plan, and it’s remarkable how little effort it takes for things to just fall apart. In high school they told me I had to legitimately try to fail, now it seems it’s effortless. People tell me all the time that I haven’t truly failed and that I should be proud of everything that I’ve accomplished. I know that I should, and I am…I still just don’t know how I ended up here. I know where I want to be, and I know what I have to do to get there. Every time I even think about going on a grad school’s website and filling out an application I just choke. I come onto my blog and write instead, or make a new video for YouTube. It’ll take me a few hours to finish my grad school apps and I just can’t do it…it’s been a week now and I just keep putting it off. The only things I think about anymore are television and comic books…not that I’m complaining. Honestly I think i’m happier like this. I don’t really feel judged and I know that I’m having fun. I’m just horrifically lonely.
I certainly don’t want the life that I’m living right now…but in some ways I guess I need it. I needed to recharge after college and for a while I felt like I had. I felt like I was ready to get back in the game and reapply to schools. I thought I could do it…i’m just having such a hard time with it right now.
As I’ve been told by other people who may have at some point been my friends…I’m not the only one who’s scared. I know I don’t have it worse than everyone out there who’s lived a similar life to mine. I just feel like I’ve started to live one of those other lives…instead of my own. My life is supposed to be predictable and boring. I want to be able to just say where i’m going to be in a year, I wanted that feeling to go away after last year. Senior year part II is not suiting me well.
I’ve also lost my…feelings. Nothing really seems to upset me anymore. There was a time when all of these thoughts felt so oppressive that all I could do was drink wine…and cry…but now I just laugh it off. I don’t care. My life’s spiraling out of control and I don’t care. What do I care about? I care about the fact that I may have lost a friend who just started grad school…and that their life may be going significantly better than my own…which is stupid. It’s awful, but that’s almost all I think about…when I’m not thinking about comics…
I don’t think I have anything else to say, I think I’m all out of feelings ultimately and that until some big changes come my way I may be stuck like this. I might be getting a job soon…but I was expecting to hear about it on Friday. As I haven’t well…looks like i’m still jobless. I’ll stop complaining about my unemployment now.
Tomorrow’s another day, but I’ve been saying that too often.