https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7fx0D7-kp-g

Nothing like election season…

In just a couple short weeks the election for US President will be over. Now i’ve never been very political, but I will say that I have never been so appalled by the ugliness of people during an election season as I have over the past few months. The reason for my sudden desire to write about this disgust, as it’s been brewing for quite a while now, came from reading this quote….

It’s Sunday…

People pray on Sunday’s, I used to make quite a habit of joining them. On this particular Sunday I awoke with a very special prayer in my mind. Dante’s Prayer. I don’t know it’s true religious significance, or if there is meant to be any, but I have loved his passage, and the music it has been set to for many years. Today it is the music that I feel will carry over the hours and serve as the back-drop to my every day habits…I wanted to share it with you here. I have so many thoughts in my mind, and instead of trying to articulate them myself I’ll simply let the song speak for me.

When the dark wood fell before me

and all the paths were overgrown

When the priests of pride say there is no other way

I tilled the sorrows of stone

I did not believe because I could not see

though you came to me in the night

When the dawn seemed forever lost

You showed me your love in the light of the stars

Cast your eyes on the ocean

Cast your soul to the sea

When the dark night seems endless

Please Remember Me.

Then the mountain rose before me

By the deep well of desire

From the fountain of forgiveness

Beyond the ice and the fire

Cast your eyes on the ocean

Cast your soul to the sea

When the dark night seems endless

Please Remember Me…

Though we share this humble path alone 

How fragile is the heart?

Oh give these clay feet wings to fly

To touch the face of the stars

Breathe life into this feeble heart

Lift this mortal veil of fear

Take this crumbled hopes etched with tears

We’ll rise above these earthly cares

Cast your eyes on the ocean

Cast your soul to the sea

When the dark night seems endless

Please Remember Me…

Please Remember Me…

Please Remember Me…

-JLS

To Feel Like I Belong

Lately I’ve been doing one thing, even though I’m at work and supposed to be focused on coding and matlab all I can think about is Doctor Who. As a result I keep thinking about time travel, what it would be like to travel through time and space. Where I could go, who I could meet. The things that I could try to change…so many things. Life could be so different, if only a fantastic man with a sonic screwdriver and big blue box fell out of the sky and took me away. While I know that’s ridiculous, the whole concept really has got me thinking. So here are some of the things that have been on my mind of late…you know in relation to time travel.

 

I wonder sometimes, as I’m sure we all do at times, if I was placed into the right time. Of all the things in life that we can’t control our own birth probably tops the list…well depending on your metaphysical perspective. It’s hard to have a really good understanding of any other time period of course. No matter how much you research, read, watch, you will always be merely an observer of the times you haven’t lived through. Our perspectives are temporally locked in the brief spit of time that we’ve been unwillingly born into.

 

It’s not that I’ve always felt that I don’t belong in this time period. I have to be honest where that’s concerned. I would love to have the opportunity to explore other time periods, but there are things in this timeline that I need. The current advances in Neuroscience that will allow me to have a job in a few years, the people I’ve met along this path that allow me to keep going every day. The respect and pride that I have earned from my family through the hard work in the sciences that I have done. I’m relatively happy here. There are cool breezes to brush my cheek on my walk to work in the morning. Warm rain, and loving sunlight…reflected moon beams. I rely on the ground beneath my feet, suppose that’s all I really need. As long as I don’t think about it too much I don’t have to search to find beauty in this world, it’s simply everywhere.

 

Those moments when I feel happy…they used to be far more plentiful, but now they seem so spaced out. There are moments of quiet, calm, stillness and peace but not what I would describe as happiness. It’s not a bad thing…but I used to describe every day as happy. Perhaps my reasons for doing so were misguided, perhaps my perception of happiness was different then. For whatever reason I don’t feel it now the same way I did years ago. I think, in the common tongue, this is known as growing up…maybe it’s something else.

 

In Doctor Who the Doctor’s companion Rose is trapped in an alternate timeline without him. Whenever you see her there she just looks so…lost. So out of place without him. The Doctor didn’t give her any choice in the matter, there was no other way. Even if I was in the wrong timeline, how could I possibly know?

What if somewhere in the past, some decision I’ve made or turn I didn’t take that put me where I am, what if it changed things. Not necessarily a change for the worse…but still a change. I used to feel happy, like I belonged in this temporal pattern without question, but now I wonder if there isn’t some other time when I would be happier or perhaps just another dimension. If my choices led me here, perhaps at some point in the past…I made the wrong choice, and now I simply don’t belong. I’m on borrowed time.

 

Of course that’s a thought that’s gone through my mind many times before. If I had been born 30 maybe 40 years earlier, I could very well be dead right now. For two years now, my existence has been due in part to the time I was born. Some would argue this should be reason enough to be satisfied that I was born in this time period and they’d probably be right. I wish that I could say that the experience has given me a new lease on life and encouraged me to make the most of it from now on. I can’t say that it’s done the opposite exactly, but I don’t feel particularly motivated to do great and fantastic things. I guess it’s made me develop an appreciation for the “important” things. I suppose the fear of potential death turns down the volume on things that once motivated you.

 

There is still love of course. Love for my friends and family, and for myself. But finding love and feeling its presence is important to me. It’s something I wish I felt more of. Mostly I just feel apathy from others. At times I think i feel so much, but I’m not even sure that I know how to convey those feelings anymore. Time will tell.

 

I know I’m not the only one who feels lost in a time they had no say in being a part of. I’m know I’m not alone in feeling that my life may have taken a wrong turn somewhere. So what are we to do? Does teaming up make us feel any more a part of our times? Could it really change things? Or does it just give us more to live for. That couldn’t be a bad thing could it…just to have someone. Our time is so short, it will get away from us whether we want it to or not. Is it really worth waiting? I feel like that’s all I do anymore is wait. I wait for new semesters, for more people, just for more time to pass. Time changes things…changes people, ideas, opinions. With enough time…the whole world changes.

 

I can’t force time onward, I doubt I can directly change the course of the future in any major observable way. All I can do is wait, and hope, and occasionally dream. Wait and hope for another time when I feel truly satisfied with living again. Dream of the sort of life I wish I had, the feeling I wish I had when I woke up, or fell asleep. The realization that I can just say all the things I would like to, without fear of consequence. My humanity causes me to be bounded by my fear, so I can’t speak the thoughts that keep buzzing around in my mind every single day…not that I think it would change anything.

 

Well goodnight.

-JLS

Last Day :(

I can’t believe that today is the last day of May already. I also can’t believe that out of this entire month I only really missed one post, I’m rather proud of myself for that. I do intend to keep on writing though, but it will most likely be about the goings on at CMU and random things that creep up in my head that I can’t get out any other way. So this post is a goodbye, not by any means. I doubt that I’m going to continue to update every day, especially judging by how exhausted I feel right now after only one day. I’ll continue to post on twitter and facebook when I update though, so for whoever is actually reading this thing, you’ll be informed.

Today was my first real day of work here at CMU. I went down to my lab this morning and met the PhD student that i’m working with. I’m still kind of on the fence as his level of weirdness, he may actually be slightly normal. He seems really nice though, and I have no doubt that once we get to know each other a little better things will run really smoothly. I also got to have lunch with my faculty mentor advisor person, and he is fascinating. We spent most of our time discussing his life and it’s absolutely incredible. I feel so honored to have the chance to work in his lab. Not only will I be working in his lab, I’m the only one exclusively working with him. There are 3 students in my program who have him as a mentor, but the other two are also working with the statistics department. It’s a little nerve-wracking to be…alone…but it’ll be great. I’ll learn a lot. Then we had our first lecture on how to use Matlab and it was just weird. It’s this strange kind of mix of python and java and a few other things I’m sure. I don’t think I’ll have a hard time getting used to it, but on first blush it’s just a little…different.

That was pretty much my day though, now I’m just chillin in my room, quite literally because the AC is fantastic. I’m gonna try to do some research tonight…but I honestly might just go to sleep, I’m so exhausted…

 

-JLS

Carnegie Mellon!!!

Wow so I’ve only been here for a little while and I’m already loving everything about this place. My room is pretty awesome, although it’s sparsely furnished and my roommate still isn’t here. There are a lot of people here who are pretty awesome. A bunch of us went out to dinner at this cute little noodle place and then we chilled at the door for a bit and then we explored the town for a while. It’s pretty fantastic, and even though I didn’t get to “celebrate” my 21st b-day I still had a great time. The city is beautiful. We found a big fountain and a cute little park. Even though we are kind of in the middle of everything, I didn’t really feel like I was in any danger walking around. We still don’t really know where everything is yet, and we all have to learn our way around and figure out where we’re going exactly etcetera etcetera, but It’s been pretty awesome so far.

I’m still trying not to have too many expectations for the next 10 weeks or so. There are going to be a lot of people here, and I may not even end up hanging out with the people that I’ve met today. I certainly hope that I will, but who knows. I suppose that’s ultimately up to me. I may very well meet a whole group of new people, but these guys are in my program so we’ll probably stay pretty tight. It’s really nice having a group of people that I feel like I can be a total nerd with…and get made fun of for it. That’s normal though. My RA’s are pretty fantastic and I really just can’t wait for more people to get here tomorrow.

We’re probably gonna go on a tour of the campus tomorrow, well our campus and Pitt’s campus. I’ll get pictures of everything up at some point tomorrow or tuesday…at least by next weekend. There are a lot of things i still don’t know about this summer. A lot of questions that I still have. They’ll all be answered with time…right now I’m just gonna sit back…and enjoy the show.

-JLS

packing…

Well I lied, I didn’t have to take a day off of the blog, however I really can’t think of very much to say. I’ve been running around all day packing and now I just wanna chill. I’ve got a 5.5 hour car ride ahead of me so I’ll have plenty of time to relax…surrounded by two large suitcases…I’m excited to leave I’m just exhausted right now. All I can think about is how much I loathe the packing process, and how I would’ve liked to have seen more people before I left. I need to get to bed kind of soon though, very early morning tomorrow. Tomorrow’s post will either be highly optimistic and full of promise, or similar to this one…tired and wishing for sleep. I promise to provide a full description of my new living situation either way.

Carnegie Mellon or Bust!!!

 

-JLS

Watchin Letterman…pondering my fate.

Late again! oops…

Tomorrow’s gonna be a strange kind of day. It’s my last day home, last day to pack, etc. etc. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t incredibly excited to leave for CMU, but I always have mixed feelings about leaving home like this. I don’t really get homesick or anything, that’s never really been a problem for me. It’s just strange leaving after being home for almost a whole month, especially during the summer. I did the same thing last year sure, but I barely even had time to think about it. I came home for about two days packed and left. All of this talk of packing and leaving must get very tedious for anyone reading my posts and I’m sorry for that. There’s simply very little else on my mind right now. I may have to skip posting tomorrow. I’ll have to get to bed early, or at least attempt to…so goodnight blog, meet me in Pittsburgh.

 

-JLS

Packing, musing…

Strange to think that May is almost over. Only a few more days of blogging! I can’t say that it’s gone by exceedingly quickly. My time spent at home always seems to creep by quite slowly. I only hope that my time at CMU doesn’t fly by too fast. I’m nervous about a lot of things, the people I’ll meet, figuring out my way around a new city again, doing good research…but I’m sure everything will go just fine. Moving is almost never a good time, but I hope it’ll go well for once. As long as it doesn’t rain, we’ll get through it.

I expect that I’ll continue blogging throughout the rest of the summer at least, it’s become quite a habit now. It’s nice to know that people actually read this thing too.

I’m sorry for being so boring today, I wish I could think of something more interesting to write, but all that’s been on my mind lately is how much I miss my friends and how strange it seems to be going away, but not returning to them. For once though I really feel I’ll be returning to everyone on the same terms I left. No wondering whether things changed over the summer, no questioning who will still be willing to put up with me and my shenanigans. Perhaps I’ll think of something interesting to talk about tomorrow.

-JLS